Rumors

Rumors

By Allie Marie

 

Pause.

I heard you.

Silence.

Excuses.

Before you carry on.

Did you want me to know

or didn’t you?

I’ll drive myself crazy.

I’ll draw sketches in my head.

Trace what is said with

what is unsaid.

Create more cryptic rumors

that should never be heard.

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With a Tilt of My Head

With a Tilt of My Head

By Allie Marie

 

 

A tilt of my head.

Everything said I try to turn unsaid.

But, I’m doing fantastic – they say.

I never feel this way.

Because they tore me

down the middle.

They made sides

out of the same team.

I’m so afraid of mistaking blame.

I’m afraid of being mean.

But maybe I am,

by doing this with a tilt of my head

my aim to please

is just making me worse

Maybe I just can’t take

that I am my own curse.

Disappear

Disappear

By Allie Marie

 

I just make it worse.

Unnecessary apologizes

scarring my opinions.

I spoke up now

it seems for nothing.

My thoughts now being

shaded by unneeded anxiety.

I said it.

I meant it.

Now I’ve made it seem

less important than it is.

My words mattered.

I assumed you really

didn’t want to hear

so I made them almost disappear.

 

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve

By Allie Marie

 

A night of traditions

of presents and stockings

of laughter and cheer

instead we are here.

Ice cold white walls adorn the walls.

The multicolored spikes occasionally

makes the machine start to beep.

The nurse wears Christmas scrubs.

We feel guilty.

We wish we realized how sick

you were the night before.

You didn’t want to come.

 

But we could’t chance it any longer.

We made you agree.

Frightening that your breath

sounds like the squeak of a broken rocking chair.

That you sometimes don’t realize you’re talking to yourself.

Pneumonia, hydration, not sure what else.

You’re other daughter far away.

to avoid the colder weather.

Says she can’t really talk to you

she has company.

There’s so many things

I would like to say to her.

I shut my mouth.

I have to for you.

A grandmother, a mother, and daughter

spend a Christmas Eve up at the emergency room.

A father and son come up

to get some food.

All our Christmas wishes tonight

we give to you.

 

Not Present to Defend

Not Present to Defend

By Allie Marie

 

I don’t believe it.

You didn’t say it.

You did.

They’re not here.

A cruel room boils of laughter.

You’re not there to defend.

I’ve never been you’re favorite person.

And I’d say the same to you.

But, still I wouldn’t wish you this –

Their laughter at your joy.

The ones you trust

aren’t your friends.

And, you’re always quick

to cut at me.

But, I would never do

what your “friends” do.

Maybe I should’t let shock or fear

leave me silent.

But, I sit here

and listen.

It All

It All

By Allie Marie 

 

I could save myself from missteps

if I could get out of my own way.

I know exactly what I need.

I ignore it.

I turn to questions.

A for anxiety I use as answers.

You think I’m inept.

I’m not.

I care so much about things so little.

I strive for perfection I don’t believe in.

In turn,  I am my own worse enemy

but in reality I am your best bet.

Driven and caring in detail.

I want more than you ask for.

Together we can do it all.

Can’t you see?